New Blog

Currently Listening Judgement By VNV Nation The Farthest Star see related

Sex and sexuality

One of the first areas in which my viewpoints have been completely revamped is sex.

Now, last we all visited here, my viewpoint was...well, rather, it wasn't.  I think it was kind of muddled.  I didn't know what I thought about sex.  I knew at the time that I thought casual sex was okay (in fact, the last time I seriously blogged on here I was probably involved in a casual sexual relationship that lasted a few months), not just for other people (and I am still thoroughly to-each-his-own here), but for me.  I also knew that I was desparately lonely and miserable.

I spent over a year celibate.  I did not have sex at all between November of '06 and December of '07.  I had opportunities to have sex that I turned down, halfway because I was sincerely heartbroken and had no desire to have sex with anyone, but also halfway because I knew that something was seriously broken that I needed to reevaluate.

I had absolutely no anticipation of falling in love again, much less like this.  I'll explain a little about my current relationship first.

So, in the sixth grade (this is more than relevant, I promise, despite the time-warp here), there was a guy named Robert who made fun of me for flirting with this one boy before school.  We ended up best friends - like joined-at-the-hip, talk-on-the-phone-every-day best friends.  We even went to a dance together.  I thought I loved him, and I probably did, in a twelve-year-old kind of way.  We went to the same church (which should give an indication, if you know what I used to be like, of what his views were as well), and were incredibly close.  If we had been older we would have called it a boyfriend-girlfriend kind of thing...but we weren't, and we didn't, and that was okay.  I moved away after the sixth grade, and he called regularly, then less regularly, for a couple years, and by freshman year we pretty much lost contact.

Well, I still would occasionally look for him online as an adult - because everyone has that friend or two that they left behind somewhere to whom they were SO close, and they wonder where they are.  I happened upon the social timeline of an acquaintance from high school on Facebook, and at the top of the list was "Gay-Straight Alliance," and Rob's name was on it.  His last name is pretty rare, so, hmm, says I, and I messaged him, asking him if he was who I thought he was.  He was, we were both excited, and we proceeded to contact again, so enthused that we had both developed so similarly despite the hugely divergent paths we had taken.  Mind you, I'm not someone who can talk on the phone often or to many people, but he and I immediately reconnected on the same level, talked on the phone for hours, and all that.  However, it was cross-state, I was very involved, and it never occurred to me that something more might potentially happen, or even, on some level, be happening.

When I finally moved back here, we started hanging out again, and kind of idly watched as the sparks flew, until one night when I kissed him.  It surprised me that I did - I didn't ever think, not again, and there I was, kissing him, and he was kissing me back.

We've been inseperable since, but for different reasons.  He loves me and respects me - genuinely on both.  We have a complete honesty policy, as in, we're completely honest at all times, even when it sucks, and occasionally it does.  Both of us have the tendency to repress feelings and not to want to discuss things we feel awkward about, and, since we're both very introverted and awkward, it takes a constant effort on both of our parts to communicate things that may not be as comfortable, or as easy, as others.  The relationship is a work in progress.  For the first time in years, I feel loved, cherished, and valued.  I will go into the politics, philosophy, and feminist aspects later on.  For right now, I'll just say we have a ridiculous amount in common (with enough different to complement), and we're wonderful together.

Now, how that ties into sex.  Sex, for me, has always largely been an impersonal experience.  It's something that was done TO me, not WITH me.  I was rarely an active participant, despite appearances.  Yes, there were some partners who would try to draw me out (and one in particular with whom I never had sex but with whom I believe it would have been this way, at the time, barring guilt destroying it), but most were happy to let me be.  I never tied sex and intimacy because of devastating experiences in my mid-teens, and I was okay with that.  I craved sex physically, yes, but never emotionally.

And all of a sudden I'm with this person, and we're so very attracted to each other, and we talk about everything.  He cares about actually getting me to feel pleasure (less guys care about this than you would think), but, what's more, he doesn't want to do it as a trophy - he just wants me to feel good.  (The rest of the guys who care do largely because it makes them feel like a man to get a woman off, as an accomplishment, rather than a shared experience.)  We're awkward, and honest, and close, and the sex is mind-blowing, seriously.  Suddenly there's this unexpected degree of intimacy that I never experienced, and I'm wondering how I ever thought that casual sex was remotely acceptable, because this is the most fun, touching, close, wonderful experience I've ever had.

I was always told that sex was an expression of love, but I never saw it that way until now.

Casual sex?  Yeah, maybe for other people.  But, seeing it from a completely different perspective than I've ever seen it from before - from a guilt-free, loving, happy relationship - never, ever again for me. 

And this post about sex ended up largely about our relationship because, for the first time ever, the sex is largely about the relationship.  I wish I had known it was supposed to be like this, because I never would have accepted otherwise.

Currently Reading Women's Ways of Knowing: The Development of Self, Voice, and Mind By Mary Belenky, Blythe Clinchy, Nancy Goldberger, Jill Tarule see related

Back-ish

I really don't know how ready I am to take this blogging business seriously again, but I figure I'll reintroduce myself.  A li'l housecleaning has gone on since I last talked to you guys extensively.  And, strangely, the best way to do that, in my opinion, is through the dreaded survey.  So here goes.

1. Have you ever taken a shower while you were drunk?
Yes.

2. What your relationship status?
Very happily involved with plans to move in together as soon as money works.  (First gasp from the crowd.)

3. When was the last time you got in trouble with your parents?
I'm a grownup kthx.

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Doing match questions on OKCupid because it's entertaining to see what badges they will assign to you based on your answers.  I am: more aggressive, more adventurous, more artsy, more compassionate, less greedy, more indie, more mathematical, more kinky, more literary, less old-fashioned, less of a planner, less pure, more desiring of sex, more spiritual, more spontaneous, more emotional, less thrifty, more sloppy, more introverted, and more political than the average user on there.  I am seeing the badges less lawful, more socially free, and less economically free in my near future.

5. Are you any good at math?
I am very good at it.  Keep the secret.

6. What was going on in your life, one year ago today?
Wow.  I was in Cherry Point waiting to get out of the Corps, miserable, and confused.

7. Do you have any famous ancestors?
William the Conqueror and Charlemagne.

9. Have you ever been in love?
Yes.

10. Where is your mom at?
Work.

11. Have you ever kissed in the rain?
Yes; it's teh awesome.

12. What's one thing you wish to change about yourself?
I wish I was more focused.  I am sincerely starting to wonder if I don't have adult onset ADHD.

13. What were you doing a week ago today?
I was showering and getting ready for Rob to pick me up.

14. Do you write your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
No.

15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had?
Probably the post-wisdom teeth surgery pain.

16. What is outside your back door?
I have no back door.

17. Do you have any plans for Friday?
Not currently.  That's usually subject to change.

18. How many brothers/sisters do you have?
Nope.

19. Do you have a secret crush?
No.

20. Do you keep in touch with your exes?
Some of them more than others.

21. Do you dislike anyone right now?
Quite a few people, but no one enough to shake the earth.

22. Are you excited about anything?
Not right this very second.  I am very curious about how the primaries will come out today.  I couldn't vote because my absentee registration had apparently expired last year, and no one ever informed of the specifics of how that worked, so I had to reregister instead of voting early, and I can't participate in the primary OR caucus.  I am pretty pissed; I was excited.

23. What is your favorite flavor of Jello?
Lime.

24. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive?
No.

25. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group?
Jesus, I don't know.

26. What kind of winter coat do you have?
I left mine in Missoula when I moved back out to TX.

29. What do you wanna do with your life?
Make a difference for the disenfranchised and underestimated.

30. Do you go to church?
My bible is the wind, and the outdoors is my church.

31. What did you eat for dinner yesterday?
Chinese.

32. Who was your first best friend?
I don't have a "best friend," but usually my significant other would take that category and yes, Robert is definitely my best friend in some ways.

33. What is your least favorite class?
I'm a big kid now, not in school.  Hope to start soon enough, though.

35. Have you ever snuck out of your house?
Back when I was a teenager.

36. What was the last compliment you received?
Yesterday.

37. What extracurriculars are you in?
Hun, I'm a grownup.

38. Do you wear contacts or glasses?
Yes.  Uck.

39. When was your last kiss?
Last night.

41. Are you on any medications?
Yes.

42. What's your favorite thing to do?
It really depends.  I love snuggling and kissing, I adore sex (which I have found to be unbelievably good when it's with someone you actually love who actually loves you back), I love reading, and writing when I get into it.

43. Do you regret dating someone?
My actions have made me who I am today - no more, no less.  However, I am starting to question my motivations behind some of my actions (dating specifically), and that is leading to possible regrets.

44. What are you doing tomorrow?
Working.  I am an administrative assistant in a daycare.

45. When did you stop believing in Santa Claus?
I don't know.  I think when I was seven.

46. What annoys you?
People who think "feminism" is a dirty word.  Neoconservatives.  Christians who espouse neoconservative values, as they are directly at odds with what Jesus taught.  Lassez-faire capitalism.  People who have no respect for opposing viewpoints.  People who think that you can't support the warrior without supporting the war.  The fact that the media picked our candidates for us.  The state of politics in America in general.

47. Whats the next vacation you're going on?
I may be going on a road trip this summer with Rob.  We'll see.

48. Favorite TV show?
Metalocalypse.  I don't watch TV often still, though, and I've only ever downloaded that show.

49. Last injury?
...it pertains to sex, even though it's not from it.  You don't wanna know.

50. Does your myspace song have any significance?
It's by Eric Whitacre, who is the shit.



-Where is the person you like right now?
I like lots of people.

-Last time you consumed alcohol?
Saturday night before Rocky Horror Picture Show.

-Have you ever kissed in the snow?
Yes, last night, strangely - and here was the last place I would have expected to kiss in the snow.

-Have you ever been around someone who was high?
I've BEEN high, even.

-Do you like your life as of now?
I like different things about it.  It's not black and white.

-Do you trust people easily?
More easily than I admit.

-Have you ever drank with your number one?
On Myspace?  Yes, this weekend.

-Where are you right now, and how do you feel about where you are?
I'm in my living room watching Family Guy, and I like it.

-How's your heart lately?
Better, not fantastic.

-Have you ever been drunk before?
Very.

-Ever kissed someone who smokes?
Yes; I even bred with them.

-How long have you been single or in a relationship?
I've been involved since December.  It was unexpected and healing and wonderful.

-How old are you right now?
24.

-Did you have a good birthday this year?
Yes.  Day with the boyfriend, dinner with the fam.

-Favorite color?
White,

-What do you hear right now?
My daughter freaking out because I won't let her play with my bible from when I was little.  The bitch of it is, I don't care, but my dad does, and he's in here.

-What is your outlook on relationships?
It really depends on the relationships.  They're all different.  I'm very happy in the relationship I am in.

-Favorite actor?
Kevin Spacey.

-Where are you going on vacation next?
I don't know; maybe drive to Arizona.

-Three days from now will you be in a relationship?
Barring extreme unforseen circumstances.

-What color are your eyes?
Hazel, tend blue.

-Who are you talking to at the moment?
Daddy.

-What phrase do you say a lot?
I don't know.  (I said that in response, but, really, that kind of shows its validity as an answer.)

-Are you married?
Never again.

-Have you ever told someone of the opposite sex you loved them and meant it?
Yes, frequently.

-As of today, do you like anyone?
I like a lot of damn people.

-Have you kissed anyone on the lips within the past 24 hours?
Yes.

-Do you like your first name?
It's a good one, if common.  It just occurred to me a while back that my daughter and I have names derived from Arthurian legends.

-Do you like to cuddle?
With my children or significant other.

-Last person to cry over?
Eddie.  I don't talk about it.

-Do you cry easily?
Yes, but it takes very specific things.

-Do you have any siblings?
No.

-Where do you want to live when you're older?
Scotland.  Missoula (again) will do in the interim.

-Did you cry today?
No, not yet, but I'm liable to because I'm feeling vulnerable.  It's the damn percoset.  (Long story.)

-What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Watching Family Guy.

-What is your brother's name?
Nope.

-Three words to explain why you last threw up?
Painful kidney stone.

-What was the last thing you bought?
Um...food?

-Where do you keep your money?
On my card.

-What is the weather like today?
Cold, then it got warmer.  But it was snowing last night.

-Where did your last hug take place?
A few minutes ago with my daughter.

-Do you want to cut your hair?
No.  It's currently mid-back, and I want it down to my ass before I decide differently.  I dyed it auburn a couple days ago, though.

-Do you make up your own words?
Sometimes.

-Are you a jealous person?
Only in certain ways.  Not of things like money or possessions, but I can be a little possessive in relationships.  It's something I'm much better at, and I'm working at not projecting my insecurities onto my partner.

-Favorite animal?
I dunno.  I like a lot.

-Who's the last person to call you?
Rob, to let me know he was here last night.

-Do you chew on your straws?
Yes.  F- off; I have an oral fixation.

-Where did you go yesterday?
The store to pick up my prescriptions, my work to drop off my work release, and the mall with Rob that evening.

-What should you be doing right now?
Caucusing, but my registration expired last year, so I couldn't early vote in the primary, so I had to register, and I couldn't caucus.  I'm really pissed.

-Do you have a nickname?
Quirrel.

That was the fast and dirty "what's changed."  I'll update on more later on, if I feel inclined.  There's been cleaning of house since I updated a while back.

Texas

I live there now.

Disillusionment

This is where I stand - I wrote this while sitting at work this morning between calls and yes, this is how I feel about my job and my life in general.  I am a customer service representative for a large satellite television company.

I can't remember a time in my life when tendrils of discontent weren't reaching down to strangle the nourishment from my roots, keeping me from experiencing the good things in life for dissatisfaction with the rest.  Nothing is ever a challenge except forcing myself to do these mundane, meaningless things in exchange for survival, draining the vigor I would rather put into things that require thought, that contribute to the world.  Why is it that the only things I can do to keep afloat are either so easy that they're a waste of time or of no redeemable social value aside from staying out of charity?  What happened to "you can be anything?"  These dreams, these hopes, turn to so much dust in the face of survival, and the only thing I want is to divorce myself from this world, from raising my children to continue to uphold this legacy of "this is as good as it gets, so take it and shut up," to remove them from ever having to live the despair of a meaningless 9-5 job that does nothing to ease the suffering in the world.  It's as though every day that I drag myself in I have to grit my teeth against the voice within screaming, "I do not want this!"  I want to feed and house my children without participating in this culture of apathy, rot, and death, worshipping at the shrine of television, acknowledging no god but self, and yet feel it is selfishness, the utmost presumption, to wish for better for myself and my progeny while others toil on mindlessly, unhappy as well or, worse, starve.

Is this it?  Is this the huge, endless world with all of the shining hopes we placed on it as children?  Are we condemned to either famine and brutality under the hands of leaders we can't fight against or a life of vague discontent because, in the face of those brutalities, we refuse to change our way of life to help others, or even to drag ourselves from the mire of this inactivity, to rebel against leaders eager to maintain the status quo?

What would it take to shake us from this state of blind materialism?  What would it take, say, to convince my father that, even if he provided us with an apartment instead of a house, he gave me a home, and that was more than enough?  What would it take to make us rise up against these forces of corporate madness that have overrun our government and way of life and then, what's more, to be noble enough not to squabble over keeping prosperity to ourselves but, instead, to spread the wealth?  When will we not only fight those we revile but then resist the urge to become them?

And no one seems to have an answer.  I hear Christians speak of "being in the world but not of it," but so many are either convinced of that corruption that they refuse to fight it on any meaningful level or they eagerly claw their way to the top so they can have that two-car garage because Jesus wants them to be wealthy, despite his admonitions that a rich man is as likely to get into heaven as a camel through the eye of a needle.  I hear other liberals talking about "being the change you want to see in the world," but doing that as a single mother of two on more than a superficial level is laughable in a society where you can only status quo and survive.

I'm nauseated by the world around me, by the empty-suit leaders who are sold to the highest bidder, by the blind sheeple for following and, most of all, with myself, for presuming to think that I am better when, in reality, my dissent is only in words and I, in my sanctimonious ire, am no better, marching in line with the interest of feeding my children and sacrificing the best of myself on the altar of survival.